To you on the Thelemic path, I say, hang in there. Not only through the emotional highs, but through crying into our souls, we come at last to the Truth, which is something beyond human concepts and manifesting constantly in the ever-changing phenomena of our lives.
One difference between the A.’.A.’. path and organized religion is that we find and follow our individual inner Law (Saturn, Binah) instead of following ready-made rules formulated by someone else who claims to know the mind of an external God. This is very challenging; we find it mainly by running into walls and trying to figure out what went wrong and what to adjust. We are like explorers in the wilderness of our own souls.
God is immanent. He / She is inside us and in all things. We ourselves are part of the Mystery, being Stars in the Heavens, but to plumb the depths of our souls means trudging through the illusions that once protected us as well as the archetypes that structure our incarnation at its root and reflect our True Will.
This process is not something to be rushed. It can manifest moments of extreme pain. Yet, for each of us, even the most painful manifestations simply reflect a state inside of us–in the case of pain instead of joy, unbalanced in some way. There is no moral judgment by our God, just the One Will moving (“going”) through Nature.
Fall back on yourself, but use your Teacher as a sounding board. He or she is here for you. If you have no human teacher, talk to your Angel. Do so in either case. Invoke often!
As Jerry used to say, the Gods are cruel. But the One True God is neither cruel nor kind. S/he is beyond all human notions in ineffable Nothingness.